Your time will come

Boy am I getting tired of hearing this saying.... I honestly think it's so much easier said than done. I am trying to stay positive for my own sanity... but sometimes it's just too much. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Me and my husband have been trying for almost 5 years now. No pregnancies up until April 2013. One of the most difficult days of my life.... I had been cramping for almost 2 days.... I started to bleed heavily and the clots that were coming out were odd looking. The morning of my 3rd day bleeding, as I was using the toilet, I felt something drop out of me and into the toilet. My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach and just knew something was wrong. I looked at it and tugged around at it and Googled images. I knew something was wrong but I kept telling myself it's nothing. My mind is just over thinking. As the my morning went on, I was at work and explaining my pain and what had transpired earlier that morning to my cousin. She kept telling me to go to the hospital and get it checked out because something could be wrong. I was nearly in tears by the early afternoon due to the excruciating cramps I was having... finally I went into the hospital. I was alone because my husband was at work and was not able to leave early.... as the nurse asked me what brought me in. I could barely talk or walk. Finally they brought me in and I explained to them what happened. They did an ultrasound right away and blood work... as I waited for the results (Which felt like forever), she came back with something I never thought I would ever hear. I was pregnant.... My heart jumped a bit. But all in the same breath she said but not anymore. It appeared that I had a miscarriage.. She estimated that I  was about 3 weeks she said... She called it a biochemical pregnancy... I didn't even cry right away... I was completely numb. I sat there quietly and the doctor was holding my hand asking me if I was okay and if I wanted her to call someone. I said no... shook my head and thanked her for her time. I asked if there was anything else I could do, I don't really remember what else she said. Everything was a blur. But I do remember, walking out to the car and thinking I was a failure.. everything was my fault.... From my thyroid to my smoking and even that weekend out with friends at the bar. My thoughts were just overflowing.... I had nowhere else to put them. I just started to scream and cry as soon as my car door closed. I asked GOD why me? What had I done that was so horrible that he has done this to me? I don't even remember if I called my husband or texted him, but as soon as I got home. I just laid in bed and saying sorry to my lost baby. I didn't know what to do... My husband finally got home and all I could do was cry and hold him. 

Something we waited so long for, here and then gone.

(Fast Forward 3 months)

Much more happier place. But anytime I think about it, of course it hurts. I would've been 3 months pregnant had the little one stayed. But it's okay.GOD has a plan for me and my husband. And in the mean time, well have fun trying! :)

 We are currently seeing a fertility Dr. She and the office staff are just amazing. They make me feel so comfortable... and they are so sincere and make this journey so much more easier. I had an HSG done in May and then the day after I had surgery done to remove a few polyps and cysts on my uterus. The results from that was something I didn't want to hear. They told me I had early signs of endometriosis and that we wouldn't be able to go forward with any fertility treatment until my uterine lining went down as it is too thick. She believes it was from all the bad build up from my irregular cycles. I thought to myself... here we go again. What else more could possibly go wrong! What else could GOD test me with! Sheesh. LOL.

She put me on progesterone pills for 3 months to help with my lining thin down a bit. My next appointment is September 5th, 2013 and that's when the Dr will do a biopsy to check my lining. Fingers crossed that everything will come back just fine. So in the mean time, my husband is going to see a urologist to help find out if there was anything else that he could do to help with his results he had received from the fertility Dr. He had 2 samples done early last month and the Dr. said the results were fair... but not exactly what she wanted to see. So she recommended him to see someone while we were playing the waiting game on my uterine lining. So it makes sense. That appointment is on July 17th. So we'll see what happens.. I know he's a bit nervous. But were in this together! :)

Thanks for taking your time to read my first post. 
Baby dust to all the mommy to be's.